Vampire Verses Apple
by MoonStarDutchess
Summary: Bella thought being a vampire would make her perfect at everything but she meets her match against... Slight Ed/Bella interaction. Humor oneshot. Request from hyperStatic to Funky Monkey 24.


**Vampire Verses Apple **

**Author: MoonStarDutchess**

**Proofread by OTP  
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**Fiction Request **

**Disclaimer: Stephanie Myers owns Twilight Saga, not me. I'm just playing with the characters in fanfiction when I get requests for this section. I gain no profit from this fan fiction at all other than writing experience. **

**AN: This was requested by hyperStatic as a present for Funky Monkey 24. Hope you like it Funky Monkey 24.  
**

**IMPORTANT NOTE: As you read you will see that I changed up the history quite a bit. **

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**Vampire Verses Apple**

Bella Cullen made her way down the stairs toward the kitchen. Even though none of them ever ate food, the kitchen seemed to be the place where everyone congregated during the day if they weren't out hunting. It was warm and inviting, with large windows that were lined up and stretched along the far wall. Light drifted in at a slight angle but didn't fill the room enough to cause their skin to shine like diamonds were embedded within each pore.

When she turned to the right from the staircase and walked into the kitchen, she was a bit disappointed that no one was there. Of course, she hadn't expected anyone would be. She hadn't heard the familiar chattering of Alice talking about a new shop or fast car. She didn't hear Rosalie bitching or growling at anyone in one of her pissy moods. Emmett wasn't talking about the human sports that he enjoyed watching and Edward wasn't hanging on to her, something he did quite frequently now that she was one of them.

Esme, Rosalie, and Alice had gone shopping. Carlisle was at the hospital and Emmett Jasper and Edward went hunting. Usually they waited for a clear sunny day for their hunting, and they all went but vampires got hungry and Forks had recently decided that it didn't want to have any sunny days whatsoever. Her husband had been hesitant to leave her there, since she wasn't that hungry and just wanted some time alone she'd turned down the hunting for a bit. She hadn't been out in the town for a while so the smell of human blood wouldn't tempt her as much. She knew if she needed to hunt at a later date that Edward would hesitate to accompany her on such an excursion. After promising Edward that she wouldn't leave the house, a precaution taken thanks to her still being a fairly new vampire, he'd agreed to go hunting for the day.

She slowly walked over to sit down on a bench situated at the black countertop kitchen island. For miles around her she could hear the sounds of animals and even the people in the town. Though she easily adapted to most of the other "gifts", for lack of a better term, that were sewed into her vampire being, her acute hearing was one of the worst for her to get used to. She thought: bite, vampire, and then she would be good at everything. She'd been wrong. Even her coordination was still sometimes an issue, though she was very good at her jumping and leaping and running, only kissing a tree once and getting a bitter sap taste in her mouth that reminded her of soured milk and the smell of cat vomit…intensified into the realm where it would be problematic to speak or write down the percentage increase numerically.

Her perfectly preconceived notions of vampires had thoroughly and effectively been sucked out of her, no pun intended, with every passing day. As a human everything vampiric related to her dear Cullens' had seemed to be perfect, which is why they had the ability to lure humans toward them, but when one becomes what they are, the point of view shifts and bends into an entirely new shape of how one sees the world.

She glanced around the immaculate kitchen until her eyes fell on something across the room. It was as if fate had decided to throw a big punctuation mark at the end of her vampires aren't perfect and her coordination statement. Sitting in a large black shiny bowl was the bane of her vampiric existence… an apple.

Not just any apple would bring back the memory and annoyance that this one did. This apple was of the Red Delicious variety. From across the room she could make out its deep red color. With her vampire vision she could clearly see every tiny detail of the fruit, from the slight orangish spots too small for the human eye to make out, to the strokes that formed a light road through the red skin. This was her favorite apple as a human, and now that she didn't eat such things, it was merely something sitting there, teasing her as something far more substantial than that of taking it in for sustenance.

She never thought that a fruit would have the ability to tease someone, but this apple, this fruit of all things, was proving to be extremely talented at doing so. Bella wondered if she could call Esme an accomplice to the apple because the woman always kept a bowl of fruit in the kitchen even though no one in the home could eat it. She remembered Esme saying she liked the smell of fresh fruit (something she found odd at the time she first heard it since she thought vampires only liked the scent of blood). She was proven wrong when Alice mentioned she liked the smell of Chanel No. 5 and Rosalie liked the smell of motor oil. Catching the beautiful vampire smelling a bottle of Valvoline was quite a shock. Jasper was just weird and if she thought of all his oddities she'd be thinking until she di…well, a long time.

Bella stood and walked over to the bowl of fruit. She picked up the apple, careful not to smash it with her new strength. Flipping it over and over in her hand, she studied the way the light hit it, and the way it felt in her grasp. It wasn't as heavy as she remembered an apple being. It seemed as if she were holding a feather instead. Surely within her months as a vampire she would be able to do the trick with the apple now.

She stepped back from the countertop and moved into the most effective kicking position. Her fingers loosened on the apple and gravity did its work, making it descend toward her foot. She cried in triumph as she made contact with the apple and kicked upward. She missed catching it and it went through the ceiling, cracking the plaster and causing it to fall to the grey marble kitchen floor.

Bella cringed as she heard a loud crash of glass. She closed her eyes and a mental blueprint of the home projected to her, her eyelids feeling like they were the screens being adorned with the image. If she had the ability to become more pallid, she would have. According to her mind, the display hall was located right above the kitchen and she had little doubt that the apple had fun with one or more of the glass shelves in the room.

A groan left her lips and rushed up the stairs at her vampire speed. She stopped at the door and slowly walked in. Drifting her gaze across the room, studying the cases with the figurines in them, she was relieved to see that the apple didn't cause too much damage. Turning to her right, she spotted a curio cabinet, the bottom glass shattered and the wood broken. The curio cabinet could be easily replaced; there were tons of them in Port Angeles furniture shops. It was then that a glint of a plaque on the framing of the top door caught her attention.

"To Carlisle Cullen from King Char…Oh damn…" She looked down in the cabinet and saw the apple sitting on the bottom shelf, only a small chunk of it missing instead of the bits and pieces that she expected. She snarled and growled before grabbing the apple from its place nestled among the shards of glass, walking over to a window, opening it, and throwing the fruit as hard as she could.

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Emmett was extremely involved in his hunting when he shot up from his crouch as he heard something coming. He turned and caught the object that was hurling toward him.

"What the…who in the hell would be throwing apples? This world is full of weirdies."

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Bella stormed back down the stairs, grabbed two apples from the bowl in the kitchen and made her way outside. She sat one apple on the steps while the other remained in her grasp as she walked to the middle of the driveway. Moving into position she dropped the apple, gently kicked it upward and once again, tried to catch it. She missed and watched as it rolled down the driveway, coming to stop in the rain ditch. After walking over and picking it up, she returned to her previous spot to try yet again.

She was a vampire for goodness sake! The stupid apple trick should be nothing to her. She growled and tried again, this time the apple sailed too far into the sky. Instead of a frustrated yell she moaned slightly as she felt a soft nip on her neck and arms around her waist.

"I thought we agreed you'd stay inside while everyone was gone," Edward said, his voice coming out as smooth as polished marble.

Bella frowned. "Honestly, I really did forget about that. I was preoccupied with something."

"And what is that something?" Edward raised his arm and caught the item that had been barreling down at high speed towards the top of his head. He lowered his hand and raised an eyebrow.

Bella turned and looked at the fruit in his hand. "That is what I was preoccupied with."

"An apple?"

"Yes, an apple. You remember the trick you did in the cafeteria with the apple when I knocked it off?"

"Ah, I see," he said. He took a step back, dropped the apple and kicked it back up, easily catching it. "It's all about the control of your foot and eye contact with the fruit. I guess that's the best way to explain it. Since you are fairly new at the strength it will be a bit harder to get control of it."

"I see," she said, frowning. "I'll get it someday then."

Edward took a step forward, wrapped his right arm around her waist and pulled her against him. He grinned, "Let's forget about apples and put our mind on other things."

"What do you have in mind?"  
Edward threw the apple behind him, the fruit flying over the house and into the woods. He bent and kissed her roughly, holding nothing back like he would have to if she were human. Sometimes he could barely believe that his Bella would be his for as long as they lived: forever of course.

Bella pulled away and smiled at him. "Oh," she said, "That's better than apples."

"Glad you think so."

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Emmett was just about to jump upon a delicious smelling mountain lion when he felt the familiar tinge of something coming toward him. He reached behind his head and caught the offending item just before it hit. He brought it up to look at it and raised an eyebrow. "An apple again? Weirdies."

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**AN: For some reason writing in this fandom makes me the most nervous when I don't think I really should be. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read.  
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